So, based on what I know from almost 2 full years of successful small business marketing, here’s what I think these friends should do. You can take this advice, or leave it. It’s free.

1. Set up your own Website: Every small business needs its own website with its own hosted URL. (Not “RandomBusiness.wordpress.com” but your own URL – “YourBusiness.com.”) The reason: if you own the URL and host it yourself, you totally own the site and aren’t bound by any “commercial” restrictions that some of the publicly hosted services like WordPress have. I know a guy who had his wordpress.com site shut down b/c they said he was “violating their Terms of Service” by trying to sell books through the site – even though that’s ridiculous, because everyone in the world uses websites to sell things. So the point is: get your own URL and host it yourself. Costs like $10 a year for the URL and $60 per year for hosting on GoDaddy.com. Super cheap!
2. Set up a blog on your website. I recommend using WordPress because it’s easy to use (relatively) and there are lots of cheap (or free) “themes” that you can use to build your site. You don’t need a super complicated site, just a Home Page (“landing page” with your business name, your name, location, short bio introduction, etc.) a Blog (where you can share news updates, articles and especially PHOTOS of your great work) and maybe a few other pages like Photos (to store photos in a permanent central location) and Videos (“behind the scenes tours” to show people how you work, the types of projects you’ve done, etc.?) Find some other people in your field whose websites you like, and copy theirs. You can probably even find the same basic (free) WordPress Theme and use it for your site. If you need help with WordPress, I can recommend a WordPress developer in India named Tamil who set up my business website for an affordable price, and he was very reliable and easy to work with. You can hire him here on Elance: https://www.elance.com/s/tamilsweet/
3. Set up a Facebook Page for the business. This is different than your personal Facebook “Profile.” Your business page is a public Page that anyone can see and access, it’s a way to collect a list of fans on Facebook. I’m rather new to this myself, but you can also advertise on Facebook to build up your fan list. I’m doing pay-per-click Facebook ads and it’s helped me find like 3 new fans so far – maybe not worth it (paid over $10 for those 3 fans) but I’m still learning and you can quit the advertising at any time.
4. Do Twitter. It’s pretty easy. Or if you want to focus on just Facebook for now, that’s fine.
5. HootSuite. Whether you use “just” Facebook or both Facebook and Twitter, use HootSuite! It’s awesome. You can schedule your Facebook posts in advance. You can post the same blog article a few different times to catch people at different times of day. You can load a bunch of photos on your website and then send links to the photos via Facebook, and stagger them out over the course of a week or a month, etc. http://www.hootsuite.com/
6. Build your own e-mail list. I just signed up for Emma and it is AWESOME. http://myemma.com/ I’ve been blown away by the service and support. If you sign up soon (like, by end of April) they will give you a free HTML e-mail template design. They also have online classes so you can learn how to build up your own e-mail list. E-mail marketing still works – as long as you get people’s permission first, don’t spam them, etc. and the big advantage of e-mail over Facebook is YOU OWN THE E-MAIL LIST. Even if Facebook screws you over and changes their Terms of Service and shuts down your business Page for no reason (which has happened before to others – leaving the business suddenly bereft of thousands of valuable contact names), if you have your own e-mail list, you have a “permission asset” (as Seth Godin calls it) of dozens/hundreds/thousands of people who love your work and want to hear from you. Emma only costs $30 per month for up to 1,000 e-mails per month. I recommend looking into it. It will make your business look much more legit and “bigger than you actually are” – in a good way.
7. Get Business cards: If you don’t have them already, get some done. You can get like 500 business cards for $75 (including Rush shipping) on http://www.VistaPrint.com/ They’re an old-fashioned way to market but they work – there’s no better way to quickly introduce yourself to people and give them something to carry home with them that reminds them to look you up later when they’re ready to buy. Put a special offer or special discount or something on the back of the business card – don’t leave it blank. Like, “Call for a free consultation or 10% discount” or whatever you want to offer. Lots of small businesses have less-than-impressive business cards, and there’s no reason for that in 2012 – you can have good looking premium business cards for very little extra expense and effort. (This one should be much higher on the priority list – like maybe even #2. Once you have a website, you need business cards.)
8. Incorporate as an LLC or other business structure: This is a case of “do as I say, not as I do” because I haven’t incorporated yet, myself, but as a sole proprietor/independent contractor you are often better off incorporating your business as a corporate entity. There are liability protections (unlikely but always possible – if you get sued, someone can go after your personal assets – house, savings, etc. – whereas if your business is incorporated, creditors can only get the assets of the business). Sometimes there are tax benefits too, but the biggest benefit is peace of mind. Plus it makes you look more “official,” plus it gives you an “LLC” or “Inc.” to put after your business name when signing contracts, makes it easier to get a business bank account, etc. If you’re interested, one of my favorite clients is an online incorporation service called CorpNet. Nellie Akalp is the CEO and I’m sure she’d love to hear from a friend of Ben Gran. (I don’t get a commission or anything – but CorpNet are great people, they really know their stuff and they’ll give you a free consultation if you call.) http://www.corpnet.com/start-a-business/free-business-consultation/
9. Write a marketing plan: This doesn’t have to be too complicated. Ut doesn’t have to be written by an MBA or a dissertation, etc. But just take an hour sometime and give some thought to these questions:
   • Who are my biggest customers?
   • Who do I want to sell more to?
   • What is the ideal way for me to sell?
   • Who are my target markets (types of customers, types of projects)?
   • Why do people buy from me instead of a competitor?
   • Who are 5 people in my local area that I should introduce myself to and tell them about my work?
   • Who are in my “inner circle” of people that love my work and would be willing to spread the word to others?

Ben Gran in the cockpit of an F-16

It’s been over 24 hours since my jaw-droppingly successful stand-up comedy debut. I’m still basking in the afterglow.

People have asked me, “Were you nervous?” Oddly enough, no. The closer we got to showtime, the calmer I became. By the time I went on stage, my heart rate was like a marathon runner. I was cool as a cucumber. I could have piloted a fighter jet.

(Not that I have any technical skills to fly a plane, but fighter pilots tend to be cool, calm and collected – and usually I’m not like that at all. Seriously. My life is a DISASTER.)

Doing stand-up comedy is most people’s worst nightmare. Most people would rather rest their heads in the open jaws of an angry shark than stand up in front of 150 people and tell jokes.

And yet, for me, it seems that doing stand-up comedy is the one time in my life when I can feel totally relaxed.

This is how it feels for Ben Gran to do comedy. In a good way.

Doing stand-up comedy was like an out-of-body experience. Ever since I decided to do this show, it’s like I’ve been guided by an external force, like I’m on a moving walkway at the airport. It’s the closest I’ve ever come to a religious euphoric state. When I was onstage, at the mic, under those lights, I was just a vessel for The Words. And the Words were: “flaccid penis.”

I tend to have semi-delusional, unrealistically high hopes. And yet, my first stand-up comedy show went far better than I had hoped.

So I want to do stand-up comedy again. And again. Will you help me? It will only take a few minutes. (Maybe less!)

Here’s what I need you to do. Do any of these statements describe you?

• You loved my stand-up comedy show…
• You couldn’t make it to the show, but would have loved to be there…
• You love my jokes on Facebook and Twitter…

Then I need your help.

Please do these two simple things:

1. Like my Facebook Fan Page if you haven’t already.
2. Share my Facebook page with 10 friends (or more). Think about people you know who might like my style of humor. Can you send them a quick note and ask them to Like my Page?

That’s all I need you to do.

You don’t need to spend money, get dressed, go anywhere or do anything. Just click a link and share it with a few friends.

Here’s why: 150 people came to my show at the Des Moines Social Club. If each of those 150 people tells 10 other people about me, I’ll have 1,500 new fans. If I have more fans, I can do more shows. Which then will lead to more fans.

This stock photo isn't relevant to the rest of the blog post, but it was Free. And that counts for a lot.

I want to build my own audience of fans, starting with you. That will give me the platform and the permission I need to start doing more shows, bigger shows, bigger stages.

I want to see how far I can take this comedy thing. I think I have a knack for comedy. I think I have the passion to keep working at it, even when it’s hard. And I don’t have a “day job” anymore (I’m a freelance writer) so it will be easy to fit my comedy career into my existing workload.

Maybe you’re wondering:

“If I take 2 minutes out of my life to help Ben Gran get 10 new fans, what’s in it for me?”

Here’s what: If you help me find more fans, I’ll come do a show in your city.

I’d love to eventually get enough of a fan base where I can go on tour and do comedy shows in Omaha, Ames (IA), Kansas City, Denver, Minneapolis, Madison, Chicago, Knoxville (TN), Oskaloosa (IA) and Houston (TX). I already know lots of people in all of these places, and so do you.

We can do this! I want to steal your Facebook friends!

Give me attention! ATTENTION! *gnaws off own arm*

Tell more people about Ben Gran, Comedian on Facebook.

Excitement builds as the audience takes their seats...

I don’t mean to brag, but my debut stand-up comedy show was a HUGE SMASHING SUCCESS. 

We sold out the Des Moines Social Club!

Repeat: We didn’t just PACK the Social Club, we SOLD IT OUT.

We had almost 150 people in the audience. I had hoped for 100, and we exceeded that goal by 50%. We didn’t have enough chairs for everyone. The crowd was not just standing room only, it was “sitting room only.” There were groundlings sitting at the foot of the stage, like in Shakespeare’s time (but our groundlings were much better looking).

The hand-scrawled set list from Ben Gran's stand-up comedy debut

Thank you to EVERYONE who came to the show. I cannot thank you enough. I had nightmare visions of only getting 20 or 30 people to come to the show. I fretted over this for weeks. I bombarded my Facebook friends with blog posts, YouTube videos and Event invites. I handed out flyers and asked friends to invite their friends-of-friends.

Looks like all of my shameless self-promotion paid off.

And did I mention that this was only the first time I’ve ever done stand-up comedy? Who does things like  this? I’m insane. I booked a venue, invited a guest comedian to open for me, printed flyers and started telling jokes. I never went to an open mic to prepare for the show. This was literally the first time I’d ever stood up in front of an audience and told jokes like this.

There are SO MANY PEOPLE I NEED TO THANK. Here are a few:

• Amanda Gran: My lovely wife never doubted me or dissuaded me from doing this stand-up comedy show, even though she probably should have. Thanks for encouraging my reckless, narcissistic dreams, and thanks for letting me tell off-color jokes in front of all your friends. I love you!
• Adam Faircloth is my hero. He ran ragged all night fixing tech stuff and making a video of the show with 4 different stationary HD cameras. He made a last-minute dash to Best Buy (and then to Radio Shack) 20 minutes before showtime to buy an extra part that we needed to record the soundboard audio. Adam’s working on editing the final video of the show, which will be available soon – and it’s going to look and sound GREAT. (A trailer of the show, “Ben Gran Live at the Des Moines Social Club,” is embedded below.)
• Omaha comedian Zach Peterson‘s opening set was a big hit, and we hope to see him again on the Des Moines comedy scene very soon. Zach, thanks for agreeing to do this show (with some guy in Des Moines you’d never heard of), for making the drive and for bringing your own unique comedic energy to the show. It was great to meet your wife Lindsey, too!
• Eric Johnson was a late addition to our small-but-dedicated crew, but he provided invaluable help with producing the show and managing all the last-minute details. We had an unexpectedly huge crowd and I couldn’t have pulled this off without his help. And thanks for loaning us your awesome HD video camera!
• Angela West Carolan is a one-woman buzz marketing machine: she brought 12 people to the show! She and her husband drove up from Oskaloosa (45 minutes each way) to be part of the crowd. Thank you Angela for all of your support!
• Gordon Fischer and Monica Seigel Fischer have supported my comedy endeavors from Day One – and they helped spread the word to their huge networks of friends and contacts in Des Moines. Thanks to both of you for putting your reputations on the line to promote an untested stand-up comic. (And if anyone was offended by any of my jokes, please don’t blame Monica and Gordon. Well, you can blame Gordon a little bit.)
• Luke Gran and Sally Gran ran the Box Office ticket booth (a.k.a. “my iPhone”) and took payments from dozens of ticket-buyers, building on their cash-collecting skills honed at various Farmers Markets from running Table Top Farm. Thanks for being there. And my brother Luke is a great laugher.
• My beloved parents, Jim and Mary Gran, and Amanda’s wonderful mom Nanette: Thank you for taking care of our kids so Amanda and I could have a fun night out on the town. (And thanks, Mom and Dad, for not coming to my show, as I requested in this video.)
• Hollie Journey and Mike Hummer drove all the way from Kansas City (3 hours) to be there for my stand-up comedy debut. Thanks for all the encouragement and ideas.
• Tanya Keith and her husband Doug Jotzke were hugely helpful in building a crowd – and lots of fun to hang out with after the show!
• Margaret Dixon and her daughter Rachel Dixon are awesome people and I’m so glad they decided to move to Des Moines – and thanks for bringing a posse of friends to the show!
• Frank William Miller Jr. and David J. Anderson are two of my best pals from my days at Rice University. They drew and designed the awesome, eye-catching flyers that we used to promote the show. Thank you guys!
• Erin Bradley, Brandy Case Haub, Mike Case Haub, Betsy Rudicil, Scott Rudicil, Greg Jerrett, Ben Godar, Jennifer Doser, Shawna Skinner Meyer, Sabbath Jackson, Brandy Lueders, Lisa Houchins, Louisa Dykstra, Steve Yakovich, Karen Yakovich, Natalie Kost Watson, Matt Erickson, Jared Parker, Jennifer Rasmussen Parker, Emily Bailey, Sarah Simpson Hanneman, Amy Wright, Mindy VerSteegt, Katherine Manion, Drew Maifeld, Emily Zach, Adam Hammes, Jessica Marie Bishop Fisher, Nolan Greiter, Elisabeth Ballstadt, Grey Lovelace, Sara Van Winkle, Sarah Nevins, Sarah Bowers, Ben Hawk, Karen Swim, Helena Hadek, Jay Villwock, Max Lambert and many, many others who I’m surely forgetting to mention: THANK YOU for being my fans on Facebook, for liking my jokes, for spreading the word, for sharing my blog posts, for helping build a crowd and being interested in what I’m doing and above all, for PAYING ATTENTION TO ME.

Because ultimately, fulfilling my unhealthy need for attention and acclaim is what Friday night’s show was all about.

Pre-show crowd image credit: Greg Jerrett

Have you Liked my Ben Gran Comedy Fan page on Facebook yet? Do it! Get gluten-free, locally-sourced jokes, served daily.

WATCH THE TRAILER for “Ben Gran Live at the Des Moines Social Club.” Full video coming soon!

I'm going to romp on stage like this happy puppy.

Dear Readers,

I am SO EXCITED for my stand-up comedy show on March 9 at the Des Moines Social Club. I’m so excited that for the past few days, I’ve been emitting a high-pitched squeal that is only audible to dogs. And teenagers. (Damn kids.)

I’m so excited that I’ve been having trouble sleeping! (Or maybe I’ve been having trouble sleeping because of all the prescription drugs I stole from my part-time job at the nursing home.)

But seriously. Doing stand-up comedy is a dream come true for me. Some people dream of retiring to a Caribbean beach house or putting their children through college; I dream of telling off-color jokes to hundreds of strangers.

So can you do me a favor?

Will you invite some friends to my show?

I want to pack the Social Club. I want to come perilously close to violating the Fire Code. I want to create a legendary, raucous night of laughter and debauchery to rival the heyday of the Sex Pistols. (But without the heroin.)

My stand-up comedy brother-in-arms Zach Peterson and I are ready to rock, but as any performer will tell you, nothing rocks harder than a packed house.

Imagine it: the buzz of a crowd, energetic music, a thrill of excitement in the air, the lights go down, the mood comes up, and long ago somebody left with the cup…oh dear, apparently I’ve started plagiarizing lyrics from Cake, “Going the Distance.” Somebody stop me…

But seriously, wouldn’t you love to be part of this happenin’ scene? This cultural phenomenon? This homegrown talent taking the stage for the first time, in front of an enthusiastic array of fans who have each consumed 2 or 3 alcoholic beverages?

Sound like fun?

Let’s do it. Tell your friends. People are already buying tickets, but we need one last push to make this happen – just like pregnant women in labor need one last push to get the baby out, before the doctor pounces on them and performs a medically unnecessary C-section.

Bring all the Sister Wives!

Make it a guys’ night out, girls’ night out, couples’ night out, husband-wife-and-most favored concubines’ night out, or fundamentalist Mormon sister wives’ night out.

If you have kids, hire a babysitter! Or leave your children with a family member, neighbor or trustworthy-looking stranger.

But don’t come alone! Bring friends! Let’s do this!

I look forward to seeing you on March 9, assuming I’m capable of seeing anything through the blurry fog of booze and pills that clouds my daily life.

(Just kidding – I am not an alcoholic or a pill-popper. I’m just making a dark joke. About these terrible afflictions that ruin people’s lives.)

So yeah…

Pack the Social Club!

Rah!

– Ben Gran

P.S. Here is where you can BUY TICKETS ONLINE for Ben Gran’s March 9 stand-up comedy show. (Or you can procrastinate and pay $15 at the door.)

Sister Wives photo credit: mydaily.com

Puppy photo credit: Jeff Bishop

Here are a just a few examples of the topics, witty anecdotes, jokes and “bits,” as comedians say, that Ben will be selecting from his comedy repertoire:

1. Differences between men and women. For example, men love sports, and women hate sports! And women always want to get married, but men are afraid of commitment!
2. Hitler.
3. Tom Cruise.
4. This one time when Ben ordered Thai food, and asked for “No Spice,” but the woman at the restaurant thought he said “No Rice.” Hilarious cross-cultural misunderstandings ensued!
5. Hollywood film producers, and how they aren’t terribly bright.
6. Politicians, and how they aren’t terribly bright.
7. Things that make him feel happy and content. Because there’s nothing funnier than things in your life that don’t present any difficulty or frustration.
8. Parenthood. And all the ways it ruins people’s lives.
9. Definitely not sex. Because sex is a sacred act between two lawfully wedded people and there is nothing funny about it.
10. Not religion, either. Because Ben is a devoutly religious person who is currently applying to seminary school, and he would never joke about something so important as God.
11. Vital issues of the day.
12. Death.
13. Work. And how it makes us long for #12.
14. Headlines from Cosmopolitan magazine.
15. A series of anecdotes that illustrate how Ben Gran is completely in control of all facets of his life, wealthy, powerful and revered by all.

BUY TICKETS ($10) for Ben Gran’s stand-up comedy show.

Mormon Temple Garments

If you’re coming to Ben Gran’s stand-up comedy show on March 9, perhaps you’ve wondered about these questions. Well here are the answers. Here are the secrets of the time-trusted process that Ben Gran uses to write jokes:

1. Start each day by looking for new ways to feel bad about yourself.
2. Hire offshore joke-writing teams in India, Pakistan and the Philippines to write jokes for $2 an hour. (Some of the jokes don’t translate well across cultures, but hey, you get what you pay for.)
3. You know your brother-in-law who’s really funny and is always making wisecracks at Thanksgiving? Sign a contract with him and copyright some of his best material.
4. Try to grow a beard, and fail miserably.
5. Put on your joke-writing “Thinking Cap.” (And by “Thinking Cap,” of course, we mean: “Mormon Temple Garments.”)
6. Relentlessly edit. (Out of every 10 draft jokes, only 1 makes the final cut to be added to Ben Gran’s Facebook and Twitter feeds.)
7. Think about humorous situations encountered in everyday life, and then write them down.
8. Think about times in your life when people betrayed you, belittled you or made you feel bad somehow, and then ask yourself, “What could I say that would, on a profound level, really hurt and devastate these people?”
9. Attend daily Confession with a Catholic priest to be exposed to unintentional comedy.
10. Cultivate a vague sense of disappointment and self-criticism.
11. Deprive yourself of a healthy amount of sleep, social activity and exercise.
12. Watch countless hours of television to get inspired by the Hollywood Dream Factory.
13. Avoid books like the plague.
14. Infect yourself with The Plague, since, in the words of legendary comedian Red Skelton, “That which does not kill me makes me stronger.” (And presumably funnier.)
15. Drink more alcohol.

Are you laughing yet? Come laugh at Ben Gran LIVE on March 9 at the Des Moines Social Club.

Buy Tickets Now!

(No pressure.)

Fear not, for I have answers.

Ben Gran in Japan, coming to terms with the prospect of eating a whole fish

Here are the biggest ways you can help make Ben Gran’s stand-up comedy show into a smashing success:

1. Buy tickets. Tickets are on sale now! Only $10 if you buy online (plus nominal processing fees which go to a good cause). Save a few bucks by buying in advance – tickets will cost $15 at the door on the day of the show. (And this show might just SELL OUT and there won’t be any tickets left at the door.)
2. Follow Ben Gran on Facebook and Twitter. I’ll be posting updates and promo announcements from now through March 9 to market the living daylights out of this show. Plus you’ll get free access to all of my best daily jokes and witty observations.
3. Tell your friends. Here’s a sample e-mail message you can send:
   

   Hey, YOUR FRIEND’S NAME,

   Do you like to laugh? Have I got an offer for you…

   I’m going to see a really funny guy, Ben Gran, do stand-up comedy on March 9 at the Des Moines Social Club. Want to join me?

   Tickets are only $10. (What a bargain!) The show is going to be smart, funny, sexy and a little bit dangerous – not unlike Ben Gran himself.

   Let’s do it! It will be a fun night out! Hire a babysitter now!

   Love,

   YOUR NAME

I know it’s hard to take time out of your busy schedule to spread the word about someone else’s thing. And believe me, I’m as lazy as they come. I recently took 17 days to fill out a one-page form and e-mail it to one of my clients – and this was something directly related to me getting paid and putting food on the table for my children.

So if you’re too lazy to help, I totally understand. But if you can spare 17 seconds to hit Copy, Paste and Send on an e-mail to 10 or 12 of your closest friends, I’d really appreciate it.

Because ultimately, the reason I’m doing stand-up comedy is because I love people. I want to be closer to them. I want to make them laugh at me in a public setting. I want them to marvel at my wit and charisma – especially the women.

Support local narcissism. Come to Ben Gran’s stand-up comedy show. BUY TICKETS NOW. (No pressure)

Scene from "The Road" (2009) starring Viggo Mortensen

As a freelance writer, I often feel like my skills are kind of, well, silly.

I get paid to write stuff. I think of things, I write them down and post them on the Internet, and people send me money for this.

Isn’t this kind of a ridiculous way to earn a living? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love what I do and I’m grateful to be able to make a living at it, but I often feel inferior compared to people who really know how to “do” stuff, fix stuff, build stuff, grow stuff.

For example, my brother and his wife run Table Top Farm, an organic vegetable farm in rural Nevada, Iowa. Now that is REAL work. Farming is INTENSE. Farming is HARD. They make things GROW out of the GROUND. They raise food to feed hungry people. I can barely buy groceries.

Our friend Jessica Fisher runs a “handy woman” business where she helps people fix things around the house. She helped us install a new door and we’re going to hire her again to replace our bathroom fan and perhaps our kitchen faucet. I couldn’t handle doing any of these things.

Whenever I have to try to fix something around the house, it’s always a disaster. I always have to make 3 or 4 trips to the hardware store, I drop heavy things on my feet and/or hit my thumb with a hammer and/or break something. The work always takes 5 hours longer than I had estimated and I don’t enjoy a minute of it. I’m helpless. Instead of trying to fix things in my house, I might as well just curl up in a ball and cry.

So someday when civilization inevitably collapses into a hellish, dystopian part-Mad Max/part-Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road” future, I will be at the mercy of others.

I hope the people who have actual useful skills to survive in our post-Apocalyptic hellscape will give me food in exchange for telling humorous stories around the campfire.

1. Watching hours of Ted Koppel footage to emulate his delivery and hairstyle.
2. Increasing alcohol intake from 6 drinks per day to 7.
3. Stopping dozens of strangers on the street one-at-a-time and offering to do anything – and I mean ANYTHING – to make them laugh.
4. Going through military boot camp to prepare for the experience of public humiliation, chastening and fear.
5. Teaching at a public high school to practice dealing with hecklers.
6. Recreational drugs.
7. Asking women out on dates to get reacquainted with feelings of rejection and shame.
8. Isolating self from any external humorous influences by serving 8 weeks as a Mormon missionary.
9. Gleaning withering one-liners and “zingers” from the collected speeches of Mitt Romney.
10. Memorizing thousands of jokes from the bubbling cauldron of subversive comic genius that is Michael Feldman’s “Whad’ya Know?”
11. Making people laugh uproariously by saying to them, “I’m doing a stand-up comedy show. Want to buy tickets?”
12. Getting in the mood for “funny” by reading the complete works of L. Ron Hubbard.
13. Taking cold showers, fully clothed, to simulate the feeling of being drenched in gallons of flop sweat.
14. Watching The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Because that guy is FUNNY and can do NO WRONG.

BUY TICKETS NOW to Ben Gran’s stand-up comedy show (no pressure)

It was a Labrador retriever, big and yellow, over 100 pounds. We adopted the dog sight-unseen from some friends of friends who were looking to find him a new home. His name was “Bo.” We drove 2 hours to Southwest Iowa to meet Bo’s soon-to-be-former owners, picked up Bo and drove him back to our house.

We don't have any pictures of Bo. This is not the actual dog.

I really don’t know what we were thinking. This was back in the days before we had kids and we had no other responsibilities or worries in life. We thought we wanted a Lab. They were the most popular breed in America – known for intelligence, loyalty and athleticism. We had visions of jogging with our dog, walking with our dog, playing fetch off a dock while the dog happily plunged into the frigid lake, again and again.

Unfortunately, we quickly realized that Bo was going to present a bit of a change to our otherwise orderly, happy lifestyle, starting on the first night at our house when he compulsively chewed through all of his toys.

“That’s strange,” I said as Bo chowed down on another stuffed animal. “He sure seems to like chewing!” Little did we realize, until it was too late, that Bo was expressing stress and anxiety by gnawing everything he could get his paws around. Pillows, ropes, frisbees, and stuffed animals all got shredded into an indistinguishable mass.

Bo was a very anxious dog. He was constantly chewing and licking and smacking. I don’t blame him, really. After all, the only owners he’d ever known had just given him away to a couple of strangers. This is one of the things that annoys me about dogs – their neuroses.

Seriously, what’s the point of having a neurotic dog? I thought dogs were supposed to provide emotional comfort to their owners? I thought dogs were supposed to help you feel more peaceful and centered, since they have no awareness of mortality and all that. But most dogs I’ve known have just introduced me to new levels of anxiety.

Bo needed a lot of attention. He needed daily walks. He needed lots of things that we couldn’t give him because we were too busy and self-absorbed. We worked long hours and left him in the house alone all day. We’d let him out to go pee and poop in our tiny urban backyard, but then he’d chase squirrels across the street and get lost and run onto the neighbors’ front porches. We were constantly chasing him around the neighborhood and cursing the fact that our small lot didn’t have a fully-fenced backyard.

We would have given him more attention, but our personalities just weren’t the right fit. He was a friendly dog, but he was overbearing and off-putting, like a guy at a party that you can’t wait to stop talking with. Even though his constantly wagging tail was as powerful and painful as a baseball bat, he was kind of a wuss, really. Whenever we gave a command to “come inside” or “stop destroying the neighbor kid’s toys,” he would slump his shoulders and skulk around and defy us, quietly, in a passive aggressive fashion.

I was so disappointed. I figure, as long as you’re going to have a dog that’s destructive, messy and painful, he might as well be a stronger personality, more of an Alpha Dog, you know? Take my parents’ dog, Milo, for example. He’s a total jerk, but we love him for it. He’s the dog you love to hate.

And he shed EVERYWHERE. All of our clothes, furniture and rugs were soon coated with dog hair. Dog hair blew threw our house like tumbleweeds. We were idiots. We never should have gotten a dog that shed so much. My wife quickly noticed that she was sniffling, sneezing and having sore throats all the time, and we realized that she was allergic to the dog.

Bo was too neurotic to eat dinner in the basement, so we had to move his (HUGE) food and water dish up to our tiny 1920s-era kitchen, where it took up precious floor space. He was too neurotic to eat by himself, so we had to be near him while he ate, or else he wouldn’t eat at all and would later vomit all over the floor. He vomited all over our living room rug and ruined it. We ended up donating it to the animal shelter.

As you might imagine, a 100 pound dog creates a lot of poop. Our yard was soon covered with little piles, scattered about like monuments. I scooped poop as often as the winter weather would permit, but I still couldn’t keep up with the supply. We couldn’t walk him as often as he needed because we were too lazy and couldn’t wake up early enough to walk him before we left for work. (Again – we were idiots. I don’t know what we were thinking. We never should have gotten this dog. Or any dog.)

And whenever we did take him for a walk, it was no fun because he was constantly straining on the leash, wouldn’t listen to instructions, and wouldn’t do what we needed him to do. (My mom has to have rotator cuff surgery because her dog Milo pulled her to the ground during a walk. That’s right – she has a “dog-related injury.” Why do people put themselves through all this dog crap? How desperate are we for companionship?)

It all would have been worth it if we really loved this dog and wanted him in our lives. But the truth was, we just weren’t that into Bo. Eventually we realized that the personal chemistry wasn’t there. So 4 months after we brought Bo home, we decided to take him to the pound and had him euthanized.

No, just kidding – ha ha! We were lousy dog owners, but we’re not monsters.

No seriously – I know that dogs getting put to sleep due to lack of shelter space is a big tragedy, and I don’t mean to make light of it. I was just trying to see if you were still paying attention.

We didn’t have him euthanized. Seriously, I swear. Instead, we found him a new home. With a family in the country that had a pond in the backyard. The father of the family loved to go fishing and hunting, and wanted a dog to go fishing and hunting with. They had 2 young kids who wanted a pet. The whole thing worked out perfectly in the end. Bo happily climbed into the car with his new owner and rode out of our lives, and we were all better off as a result.

My four months of abortive dog ownership taught me several valuable lessons:

1. I’m not very patient.
2. I’m too self-absorbed.
3. I’m not really that interested in or fascinated by dogs. They’re not people, they’re not children, and they don’t deserve the lofty status that American culture has assigned to them. In some ways I’d feel more at home in Muslim countries where dogs are seen as filthy rat-like creatures. I know people love their dogs, and I sometimes enjoy visiting other people’s dogs, and I don’t wish any harm to come to dogs, and I hate cruelty to animals just like any other form of cruelty, but the bottom line is, I don’t love dogs and I don’t want to own a dog ever again.

Unfortunately, now we have kids, and both of our kids love dogs. So it’s probably just a matter of time before we have to get one. It won’t be another Lab, or any other dog that sheds. It would have to be something hypoallergenic, housebroken and easy to live with, that requires no outdoor exercise and minimal involvement on my part.

Ideally, my next dog will be a really smart, hairless cat.