Ben Gran’s 15 juiciest joke-writing secrets

Where do comedians get their ideas for jokes? How does the “magic” happen, where a comedian transforms ordinary words into pulverizing lightning bolts of unwholesome comic goodness?

Mormon Temple Garments

If you’re coming to Ben Gran’s stand-up comedy show on March 9, perhaps you’ve wondered about these questions. Well here are the answers. Here are the secrets of the time-trusted process that Ben Gran uses to write jokes:

  1. Start each day by looking for new ways to feel bad about yourself.
  2. Hire offshore joke-writing teams in India, Pakistan and the Philippines to write jokes for $2 an hour. (Some of the jokes don’t translate well across cultures, but hey, you get what you pay for.)
  3. You know your brother-in-law who’s really funny and is always making wisecracks at Thanksgiving? Sign a contract with him and copyright some of his best material.
  4. Try to grow a beard, and fail miserably.
  5. Put on your joke-writing “Thinking Cap.” (And by “Thinking Cap,” of course, we mean: “Mormon Temple Garments.”)
  6. Relentlessly edit. (Out of every 10 draft jokes, only 1 makes the final cut to be added to Ben Gran’s Facebook and Twitter feeds.)
  7. Think about humorous situations encountered in everyday life, and then write them down.
  8. Think about times in your life when people betrayed you, belittled you or made you feel bad somehow, and then ask yourself, “What could I say that would, on a profound level, really hurt and devastate these people?”
  9. Attend daily Confession with a Catholic priest to be exposed to unintentional comedy.
  10. Cultivate a vague sense of disappointment and self-criticism.
  11. Deprive yourself of a healthy amount of sleep, social activity and exercise.
  12. Watch countless hours of television to get inspired by the Hollywood Dream Factory.
  13. Avoid books like the plague.
  14. Infect yourself with The Plague, since, in the words of legendary comedian Red Skelton, “That which does not kill me makes me stronger.” (And presumably funnier.)
  15. Drink more alcohol.

Are you laughing yet? Come laugh at Ben Gran LIVE on March 9 at the Des Moines Social Club.

Buy Tickets Now!

(No pressure.)

 

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